coming home

"come on sugar"  she said as she leaned her forehead to mine, sliding her palm to cradle my jaw.   i shook with apprehension and tear filled eyes.  

it had been only a little while since being diagnosed with cervical cancer and had a cheese grater scraped across my entire cervix.   i bled for what seemed like a lifetime. and worried for the pathology for twice as long.   they finally called and told me all the margins were clear so i wouldn't have to go back in for a second scraping but in exchange i was given the 5 year sentence of "wait and see"  with pap tests every 4 months and the what ifs i am so skilled at.

since then my body bled continually.   i felt as i did when i was a teen and had to wear those horrible wads of cotton  and the oh so fashionable  belt.   it hurt to sit in a chair.  and fear crept in and stole my desire.  i started avoiding any situation which could end up sexual.   masturbation included.  i feared pain, i feared that i wouldn't experience the deep intense orgasms i have had in the past. i feared brokenness.

now she was in front of me, sliding my nightgown down my shoulders and uncovering my breasts.   i closed my eyes and she began her rhythmic sucking, pinching and stroking.  i felt my body reacting and i  began to relax my thighs and open my legs. she smiled with satisfaction, as if she had conquered Everest.  quickly though, her poker face took over.  i slid closer to the edge of the bed and squeezed her with my legs and kissed her hard.

i laid back with my heart feeling as if it was about burst out of my chest.  she saw fear cross my face.  she stayed back from me knowing i needed more tenderness and encouragement.   she slid her finger tips just inside me.   "you're so fucking wet baby,  god you feel so good."  and she began going in slowly deeper.  her other hand teased my clit, bringing my wetness up until she could slide softly around it.  we broke our gaze as i arched my back.  she reached down and pulled on her harness.   she met my gaze again,  "i will stop anytime you tell me.  i won't hurt you baby"  

i closed my eyes but she pulled me back in.  she reached for my hands gently and asked,  "help me..."   i began shaking with sexual tension as both of us slowly unfolded and opened me.  my fingers moved away as she entered me and came to rest on her wrists.  slowly, according to my body language, she moved forward.  i dropped my hands and she began to tease my clit again.  instinctively my body began to move against her,  she, still mindful of my fear.  i, finally over come with need, pushed until she filled me up and pushed gently against my cervix.  i gasped and froze.    "did i hurt you?  do you want to stop?"  nervously she waited.   "no no just stay still"  i whispered.  i was deliciously full.   she watched my face soften and relax.  she began to tease again but remained still and let me decide how deep we would go.  i pushed, testing the waters and lost all fear.  i began to rock back and forth,  she smiled,  "that's my girl...." and then she began her talk.  i loved her talk but i could only return the words with sounds.  i reached down and began to help her fingers.  she quickly stopped so she could watch.   i spread my legs wider to give her the view she craved.

   she watched my fingers get my clit harder and harder, she watched herself sliding in and out me and she listened to me.  she knew the tone.  when it came she turned on the vibrator and slid it into my hand.. "come for me baby... come for me"   i began a search for the spot and rhythm.  god it felt so good.  but i needed that spot, that spark, that moment.  i began to vocalize in a low toned moan. and then it began,

 that sweet tingle
like a vice
like a waterfall
like an electrical current
gripping my ankles
rushing upward
rushing over me
rushing through me

my vagina and clit exploded with electricity as i dropped the aid to the ground.   "I wish you could feel the earthquake"  i said to her.   "me too baby," she said, "but i can watch it"   she grinned as she pulled my hand away which i had firmly planted down over me to try to stop the spasms.  she knew i needed pressure to stop the pulse but she spread me open and watched my clit dance until i begged her for relief.  "you are so fucking sexy"  she said, as she herself pushed firmly on me until i wasn't so sensitive.   she then, moving slowly, pulled out of me, dropped the harness on the floor and crawl up behind me.  i was still jerking and barely lucid when i realized that the only things i was feeling was pleasure and safety and all else was quiet inside.   i welled up with tears and began sobbing.  she rocked me like a child.  kissing the back of my neck and my shoulder blades.   once the wave of tears subsided,  she whispered to me in the  quiet,  "welcome home my love..."